I have a dream that one day I’m going back to Australia and I’m going to live there legally and permanently. I’m going to get a nice house, a dog and just enjoy the weather if nothing else. I have set out a plan and I’m going to follow through until my dream becomes a reality. That is my mid/long term plan and I’m going to work on it. Sounds all nice and peachy, but life has a way of going the way it wants. I’ve had big dreams before and I’ve seen some of them succeed. A big portion of those dreams end up crashing and burning quicker than Tower 7.

or this legend

Off the top of my head I can count 5 dreams that have not gone the way as initially planned. When I was around 9 I wanted to become a scientist, an inventor to be more precise. I was great at math, I loved numbers and technology, and I took most of my toys apart and put them back together. I learnt and read everything available to me but then I met chemistry and physics. I hadn’t gotten along with gravity too well before, but this was just ridiculous. What do you mean it’s not just two plus two anymore? The moment they added letters my interest was down the toilet. No more Mr. Inventor for me, I have a new dream. I was going to become an Olympic judoka.

I spent 10 years practicing judo. I won a bunch of medals from home and away. The most notable of those was getting silver and bronze medals from the nationals. The problem was that I wasn’t the best. There was always someone better. Didn’t matter the age or the weight, I had a mountain in front of me I couldn’t climb. After a certain amount of time had passed I gave up on that dream. The only way I get to the Olympics is as a tourist.

The next notable dream was related to movies. It was brought on by the courses I had to take in high school. One of those lessons was film study, where we had to watch a movie in class and then write an essay about it at home. I never took home assignments seriously and this was no exception but for some reason the outcome had changed. After the teacher had graded the papers and we started discussing the movie, she would always mention my paper. Something about how my perspective was unique.

That’s all I needed to get my mind going. The next three years I spent watching every single movie I could. 50 movies during the two week winter break? Yes I can. Write, direct, produce multiple short films on your own? Of course I did. Watch over a thousand different movies ranging from 1910s till 2010s? That’s the only way I know. I was obsessed with it and then I killed it. My plan was to apply for colleges, go study film abroad, and become the new Stanley Kubrick. My visions would change the industry, but unfortunately my vision didn’t check the application date. I missed the schools I wanted and ended up not going to a university at all. That’s how I ended up in Australia in the first place.

Not a clue what I’m about get myself in to

I can’t sum up the time or the significance of Australia in a paragraph, I needed a blog. The funny thing is, it all started with a blog. I was reading IVANs solo adventures, had a talk with him and then made a decision. I was going to Australia. For me the idea of writing on the blog came from sheer laziness. I got tired of telling everyone individually “how was it going” and “what the weather was like”. It is way easier if the two of us write about it in the blog and… 4 weeks later we were knee deep in shit and our blog was gold. It was something we wanted to write because the experiences were truly unbelievable.

As time went by, it started becoming more personal. Actual thought and time went in to it. We didn’t just find adventures, we went looking for them. Our lives and the blog went hand in hand. The dream was there, we were going to travel the world, write an amazing blog and everything will work out for us. This is our career, our path in life. This was the closest I had come to succeeding in a really big dream of mine. In general IVAN and I believe that our downfall was the ‘The Incident’ that peaked with a media scandal. We should have ridden that wave of attention and clicks on the blog to the sunset, but we didn’t. Instead we dropped off the grid and kept lurking. Writing our material but never sharing it. When we did come back it felt like back to square one. There was not enough time in Australia and momentum in Estonia to keep it up. After moving back our lives slowed down and so did our blog. Neither of us enjoyed what we wrote. It was more of a chore than something you love. Our blog had lost its magic

Slavery and Corpse Mutilation were an old meme of ours

My last failed dream was to become a streamer. I’d sit at home behind my computer and play video games for a living. Other people would watch me play and hear the commentary, sounded simple enough. I got myself a great set-up, plugged myself in and started grinding. Playing games, promoting myself, talking shit, hosting CS:GO tournaments, casting, creating events and just busting my ass for a year. During that time I also worked around 250-300 hours a month as a security guard and lived in a toxic relationship. The peak of that year culminated with me getting a promotion at work and having over a 100 people watch me cast a live Counter Strike: Global Offensive tournament I hosted. I guess you can figure which of those three things gave out first.

I believe that we can all juggle three balls at the same time. Most of us can deal with even more than that. The downside with juggling is that when you mess up, all the balls are going to try to fall. If you’re not quick enough, you’re going to lose everything. My relationship ended first. Turns out that my friends were right, she was crazy. In a marriage the wife takes half, I just lost my passion for everything.

noodles with home-made chopsticks in a coca-cola cup

When I started this entry I wasn’t sure why I wanted to write about my failed dreams, but I knew I did. It took me six months to feel the same as I did before I met her, and another six to have motivation and passion. I started hitting the gym, reading books at work, writing and running Dungeons and Dragons for my friends, watching good movies and thinking about The Blog. It’s all of those dreams that I’ve had. All of that time I spent on making them work weren’t for vain. In each and every lesson there is something to be learnt. If it weren’t for math, I’d be dumb as shit. If it weren’t for judo, I’d be fat as shit. If it weren’t for movies, I wouldn’t be me. If it weren’t for The Blog, I wouldn’t know what I want out of life. If it weren’t for streaming… sometimes it’s just not meant to be.

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