It’s been about 2 months since I left X. And I gotta tell you. Even though the beginning was pretty hard, it does feel really fucking good. The hard part was freeing my mind from the ‘relationship’ mentality. I’d been in relationships for years and always down-lo had this fear of being alone. In these past 2 months, I’ve had a complete mental overhaul. I’ve come to understand how much of a blessing being single actually is. Men don’t need relationships. Women do. Men just need someone willing to tie down and take ’em down-town. No more nagging, no more fighting. It’s been a mental vacation. I have become free. So what should I do with my freedom? Whatever the fuck I want to…
New beginnings are always the hardest. I’m sure this goes for anything – training, writing, studying, working and so on. It’s because You’re just not used to these new things, new rules and new motions. Over time You turn this your new thing into a routine by putting in more and more effort. Your body needs routines to function. Your routines are either good or bad for You. Up until my recent break-up with X, I’ve mostly had bad ones going for me.
I used to be afraid of everything. I spent most of my teenage years sheltered. I believe it had something to do with my parents doing everything for me and never letting me solve any of my problems myself. I was gaming and watching TV shows day and night and only went out to go to school. I avoided as much contact with other people as I possibly could. I was one of those kids, that walked around places with their headphones on and tried to disappear into the mass. Deep down, however, I always felt like I’m preparing myself for what’s coming next. That this is all just a big training program for me. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t. Who knows.
I’ve always thought of myself as fairly average. Average in looks, intelligence, size, speed, strength, personality, capabilities… in life. A person with great ambition and mind full of dreams but nothing to back it up with. Someone who will always be a dreamer, living in obscurity, mindful only of his own well-being. Average. It’s actually rather ironic, because I hate being bored. That is to this day the one thing that hasn’t changed through 26 years, I hate boring. I dislike a bunch of things, like people cutting me off in traffic, long lines at the supermarket or obnoxiously loud people. It’s not difficult to rustle my jimmies, but it takes a lot to piss me off. With all of this in mind, I was bound to end up disappointed. In life, relationships, work, but most of all, myself. I would live with regrets and that’s something I can’t do. This was me, almost 7 years ago today, fresh out of high-school, with eyes full of hope and a heart that is yet to be corrupted.