I’m sitting here on my chair, barely able to walk. So I’m going to take this time and be productive. To tell you the tale how I’m between numb and immeasurable amounts of pain. A story that started as something completely different and today, nine months later we have reached the apex. How I went from hating long distance running for 27 years to running a marathon with 3 months of training.
Men and women are built differently. Aside from all the obvious physical and psychological differences, I’ve come to find, that the biggest difference lies in the opportunities both are offered. When I was still a teenager, older people around me often pointed out, how girls mature faster than boys. “Oh look at the young flowers blossom”, as one of my high-school teachers always used to say. Every senior class about to graduate, heard that comment. Some girls secretly called him a pervert behind his back and most students felt awkward. But he was right. They were blossoming. They had grown up. They had reached the start of their fertile young adult lives. And that held true for every single one of them. This wasn’t the case with the boys. The boys were still blank sheets. Sure, some boys were bigger and stronger. Others were the school stars. But in reality, none of them were actual men. They were still boys. They hadn’t been out to the world. This is what separates men from women. Girls seem to blossom into fertile women in a very short timespan. That’s not the case with boys. Boys don’t really suddenly transform into men. Men are made. They are moulded by everything they see and touch. By every fucked up hardship, they go through. And by every single experience point, they gather in the field of life. While women are valued by their fertility, men are valued by their status. And a man can only acquire status by rolling the dice and taking risks.
It’s only fitting that this particular entry goes live on the 1st of May. On this day seven years ago we were given a second chance. To this day, it is by far the closest I’ve ever been to solving the mystery of “What happens after death?”
Do You believe in something? Or someone? Most people would start talking about their religion, when answering that question. Lots of people have always relied on religion to guide them through their hardships. And it’s fair enough. No one can blame them for looking for support in something higher than themselves. Probably makes them feel much better. I, myself, have never believed in anything closely religious in my life. All I’ve ever had, is faith in myself. That I can do this shit. Whatever life throws at me, I’ll deal with the consequences and move on. I can’t even tell exactly, how many times I’ve proven everyone (myself included) wrong and turned the tables, when everyone least expected it.
All men are essentially building their own little empires. Some men have lots of things going for them, others not so many. Sure You can be a pretty smart guy and have a well-toned body, but is that all You got? Men are materialistic and like to own things. There are some things that every respectable man should own – a reliable car, a pair of formal shoes, a good belt, a nice watch and a formal suit. But there is one more thing. And this one’s the hardest to acquire – his own place. And that’s not something You can pay for just by playing poker with friends…
When I started The Blog, I had something completely different in mind at first. I was full of anger, disappointment, hate, vengeance and every other negative feeling. I was in a pretty dark place. As I’ve been writing my stories, this whole project has, at the same time, been evolving into something completely different. Something more personal. We’ve been opening that shit pretty wide… I’m now at peace with myself and everything that happened. However. I started this blog to get the story of X out of my system. To overcome the effect X had over me. To become content with myself and help me change into a new man. Therefore I think it’s only fair, that I give the whole X story-arc the ending it deserves. And oh boy is she going out with a bang!
I have a dream that one day I’m going back to Australia and I’m going to live there legally and permanently. I’m going to get a nice house, a dog and just enjoy the weather if nothing else. I have set out a plan and I’m going to follow through until my dream becomes a reality. That is my mid/long term plan and I’m going to work on it. Sounds all nice and peachy, but life has a way of going the way it wants. I’ve had big dreams before and I’ve seen some of them succeed. A big portion of those dreams end up crashing and burning quicker than Tower 7.
Do you have any idea how important Your passport is? Trust me, it’s pretty fucking important. I found that out first hand back in Australia. I had just become a brand new owner of a 1981 Toyota Celica or The White Sabre, as we called it. My very first car. Now that car was something special. An actual legend, which You’ll be hearing more about in the unforeseeable future.
I have this peculiar quirk that I speak, write and think in English, but I was born in Estonia, so naturally my mother tongue is Estonian. Despite that, I can speak and write English better than I can Estonian. I started learning English when I was six, watched a lot of Cartoon Network as a kid and lived abroad for over two years. Definite outside factors like movies, music, books, games etc. have played a strong part in it as well, but the strongest culprit behind it? My ability to express myself… it comes naturally in English, but feels clunky in Estonian.
It’s been about 2 months since I left X. And I gotta tell you. Even though the beginning was pretty hard, it does feel really fucking good. The hard part was freeing my mind from the ‘relationship’ mentality. I’d been in relationships for years and always down-lo had this fear of being alone. In these past 2 months, I’ve had a complete mental overhaul. I’ve come to understand how much of a blessing being single actually is. Men don’t need relationships. Women do. Men just need someone willing to tie down and take ’em down-town. No more nagging, no more fighting. It’s been a mental vacation. I have become free. So what should I do with my freedom? Whatever the fuck I want to…