Into the Chaos

January 19, 2018 10:00 pm
IVAN
IVAN
Author

Every man was once a young boy, still untainted by the world. Every boy eventually goes through changes that shape them into men. I believe that I’ve just done it for the third time…

My very first one was a regular high-school jock story. We’ll get to that. Let’s talk about the second one. It happened about 7 years ago, when my flatmate suddenly came up with a plan to conquer Australia. I was a 19-year-old high school dropout from Estonia, who had just spent a year binge-watching TV-shows and playing video games while smoking weed 24/7. Up to this point, I considered myself living the dream. I had a young girlfriend, who seemed to really love me. I was also working at a mall for minimum wage while hosting online gaming servers for other kids on the side. For their lunch money. I had also been lying to my parents for a year about me still going to the school. I had dropped out in the beginning of the school year. Life was fucking great.

Yet something kept bothering me. After having worked in that supermarket for 3 years, I had watched hundreds of people doing their ordinary jobs and living their ordinary lives throughout the past 3 years. I could see in their eyes, that these people used to have dreams. They used to have potential. But time stops for no one, and so in these 3 years, I noticed how routine and life problems truly affect a person. They start hating their lives. They make these ‘happy faces’, but if You look past the fassade, You can see how fed up they actually are with all the bullshit. That is how I truly realised what kind of a road I was currently on. I didn’t want to become one of these people. I refused to become one of ’em. As I gazed at myself in the mirror, I realized that it was already too late. I was one of them. This had to stop now! I had to make it stop. It’s like I had an epiphany. And so I did what any 19-year old video gamer with zero life ambitions should do. I got out of that shitty toilet, walked up to my mate and told him to get ready for a really fucked up adventure in the land down under.

You know those movies, where the protagonist really wants to get somewhere with his life and then he just magically comes up with an ingenious plan, selling drugs using bitcoins or robbing a jewellery store with their best buddies and then they magically execute this plan and simply succeed in their lives, right? Well that’s not me. I’ve always had to grind through different kinds of shit to get what I want. I’ve never had it easy. And I’m extremely grateful for that, because now I respect hard work. Now I know what it takes to get things done. It has never supposed to be easy…

I knew nothing about Australia. Sure, I’d seen some of the ‘Crocodile Dundee’ movies as a kid and so I knew about all the jungles, deserts, crocodiles and kangaroos. It’s not like I couldn’t google a ton of information on Australia. It’s more of a ‘I simply wouldn’t’. I love the element of surprise and I believe in diving head-first straight into the unknown. I never knew why. Over the years I’ve come to a realization that It’s because of the chaos that ensues with this course of action. I truly embrace chaos, as while Your life is in chaos, You don’t have time to sit on Your ass and jerk off. You truly, in fact, must take action because otherwise you will miss all of your opportunities. Therefore – there is order in chaos.

And so I sold almost all of my belongings, handed in my resignation letter, got a loan from my parents and broke my young girlfriend’s heart as I stepped through the airport gate straight into the chaos…

My second coming

Fast-forward to now. I’ve been back for years. Australia really set me straight in regards of life and the hardships that come with it. I finished my high school when I got back and while I was doing that, I was also working as a head of security in one of the respected hotels in Tallinn.

That’s where I met my current long-term relationship partner. Let’s say her name is X. She’s half-russian and half-estonian with a beautiful combination of handpicked genes. I have always had a weakness for these hot small russian girls, but this one caught my eyes. She walked around with pride, just like how Rihanna sings “Lightning strikes every time she moves”.

Now I didn’t make a move on her as I was still dating an Estonian girl I met in Australia. I had recently grown tired of this one-sided relationship and ended it a week later. I also bought myself a new car, a ’92 BMW 325 Coupe. I must confess that this car is one of those rides, that I’ve come to miss. Some people feel the same way about their girls. We have this tradition in Estonia, where we celebrate your newly bought car with vodka shots, so naturally I gathered some close friends and went out clubbing with them. Guess who I randomly bumped into. Yeah, you guessed it – X. From there on out it was crazy wild sex everywhere. It was fucking great.

I felt like I was alive again and had this never-ending happiness inside me. I didn’t even care about the fact that she had 3 children with 3 different guys. Yes, you read it right. I found out from one of the hotel workers that she’s a 26-year old MILF. And I was 22. I figured that it didn’t really matter, as I was never gonna settle down with her. I was just gonna have a lot of fun. You would have never guessed from her looks, that she had 3 kids. She was in her prime. It was almost like she graced the land she walked on, as all the men she passed, always stared at her. Most even turned around. Some even approached her, while I was there. I actually liked it. I was proud. I somehow felt privileged knowing that these men will never know how good she was. I even showed her off to other men, like a sexy trophy. She was exactly the kind of crazy that I needed in my life. We went to all the clubs and raves. I felt free. Here’s a pic of us with Example at a beach party.

I soon realized that I was spending twice my salary every month, which prompted me to take a loan. “Fuck it”, I thought. “It’s well worth it”. I was rationalizing a loan to keep this lifestyle going. But me being me, I made yet another master plan to get out of my loan and fix everything. These kinds of plans come naturally for me now. I’m always keen to jump straight back into that chaos. The plan was to quit my job as the head of security, get out of that office safe-zone, and move to Finland to work on construction, so I could make 3x the money I was currently making.

I have always had this ‘theory’ of sorts that saving money doesn’t solve anything. Cutting down Your life quality just makes your life more miserable. Making more money is the way to make your money problems disappear. I executed my plan flawlessly. Paid off my loan in 3 months and even had a lot of money to spend on vacations and parties. I soon understood, that I really missed my hot MILF. So I made a yet another quick plan to move back to Estonia. I simply moved in with X – this moment became the biggest mistake of my life. Before I left, I also had an automatic-manual conversion done on my Beamer by my housemates in Finland, so I could finally learn to drift with my car. And I did learn that and so much more. I could jump into any car right this second and squeeze every ounce of power out of it, while keeping it on the road completely under my control. It’s like an art of sorts.

Months went by as I enjoyed living in my own little fucked up world that I’d created. It took a lot of courage from me to introduce her to my parents. They panicked. Can’t really blame them. But what can you do when your son is only thinking with his dick. I really bonded with her children though. I always treated them as if they were my friends and so they used to always be excited to see me. It wasn’t their fault that they had to live the way they did and I tried to help make their lives better in any way I could.

Over time X isolated me from my friends and then started going out without me. It didn’t take long until I felt like I was stuck in life again. We were arguing daily now. We still had hot sex though and I’m confident to this day that she never cheated on me. I was practically her savior. Her last hope in regards of a normal-ish relationship with a man. I kept looking at myself in the mirror and thinking “Guess this is my life now”. I soon found out that she was in a debt that would take a regular Estonian 5 years to pay off. That didn’t even surprise me any more. I figured that since I’m ‘All In’ with this shitty hand of cards, I should try to make the best of it. So I made a yet another master plan that fixed her debt in a year. She paid it off herself as she had a high-paying job together with all the child supports. I also put her to school, so she could finish her high school. I saw myself in her when I heard that she was also a high school dropout (no pun intended).

My first real breaking point was when she left me at home to babysit one of her kids on NYE. That’s when I got my shit together for the first time. I moved out to my friend’s flat a couple of months after that on our anniversary. It was the same friend that I was living with in the beginning of this story and whom I originally travelled to Australia with. Me moving out from her place caused her to lose her shit. After I had spent a couple of nights at my friends place, I received a message from X. She had gathered all the stuff that I hadn’t taken with me and threw it all out on the trash bins. It was about 500-600 euros worth of items. I thought she was surely kidding, so I didn’t even bother going there and lit another joint instead. It later turned out that she actually wasn’t kidding and all my shit was gone.

After a month of being away from all the crazy, my mother actually told me that she hadn’t seen me this happy in a long time. Of course I was happy. I got out. X came begging for me to come back almost every night with rotating promises. I did still fuck her a couple of times and it just made things worse. After that I sort of realized, that you just can’t fix crazy. So I kept telling her to fuck off. When she eventually left me alone, I felt empty. So I leased a newish 2010 BMW 320TD (manual ofc).

I started filling the emptiness with girls. Let’s just say that I wasn’t a model citizen. I had some flings. One of which has really been haunting me. I met her on Tinder. Seemed like a nice 18-year-old girl who was learning to be a chef. A solid 6 back then. I had a 2-week vacation coming up by coincidence and so I spent the whole first week buttering this girl up. When I eventually fucked her, I went all-out and made sure that she loved it and remembered it. The next day I slept with X because we met at a mutual friend’s gathering and all those first time feelings came running back. I felt like a man-whore after this. I really wanted to keep banging them both, but it just seemed so wrong by everything I’ve ever been taught. I couldn’t keep dating 2 women at the same time. “It’s wrong. It isn’t normal”, I thought. So I decided to dump the 18yo for X – this moment is the second biggest mistake of my life.

From there on we kept seeing each other for 6 months before I had some old friends help me pack everything in my flatmate’s apartment and move me back together with X. I must say that my friends have put up with a lot of my shit throughout our lives and I’m grateful for still having them with me. From the moment I moved back in, it didn’t take long for the roller coaster through hell to start up again. We were fighting most of the nights, then had passionate sex until we passed out. I was constantly tired. I even started calling her an emotional vampire at some point as it felt like she was feeding off my life-energy. But a man gets used to anything, be it living in a tent in an Australian desert for 3 months. Or living with a psycho woman whose moods changed faster than it takes some people to eat dinner. She kept throwing me out weekly. It got to a point where I had mastered ‘moving out’. It took me 30 minutes to pack up all my shit and be ready to leave. There she is, packing up all my shit again.

I always stayed though… At some point I started to understand her nature more deeply. It’s like she didn’t want to make me miserable, but her instincts made her do it. I started testing her. I had questions.

What would make her react?
Well. Anything really. The way I put the dishes away. It reminded her of something that she had argued to me about already sometime before. Also the way, I was thinking my own thoughts for too long. In her mind I was obviously thinking of fucking other women. The way, I looked at some cashier. Or that I dared to breathe. And so on… The reason didn’t really matter. Any reason was good enough to get that shit-show going.

What would make her calm down?
Well this part was easy. All she needed was a good fuck and me doing my own thing. I noticed that every time I got fed up with her bullshit and I left/started doing my own thing, she would calm down and eventually apologize. So I started withdrawing attention on purpose.

Usually I couldn’t still control her. Even when I tried, she’d start right up a little later, like a little hamster in her wheel. My mind started blocking her bitching. At some point It seemed like I was actually enjoying her little brain hamstering away. She was like a bonfire and sometimes I just didn’t care and kept throwing more and more logs in until she exploded and kicked me out again. Then she’d come and get me in my car, begging for me to come back. I felt like I could control this somehow and sometimes I really could control her temper. I studied her like an open book and analyzed everything. Between all her outbursts there were times where she was completely normal and in content. Exactly like when I first met her. It had been about 2 years and 3 months since that day. It was like we were constantly jumping from one extreme to the other one, as the good times were also extremely great.

One day I was gazing at myself in the mirror again and had another epiphany. “I have to end it, but I’ll do it smart”, I thought to myself. And so another master plan was born. This one was about me finally escaping from X. It was also about looking into the possibilities of buying my own apartment, so I would never again have to rely on a woman. I was so used to her outbursts by now that it became a background noise for me. Something to play with, while I was putting together the real plan. The plan was to leave this country once again. Since it turned out, that I simply needed to make twice the money I was currently making, to even start thinking about any mortgage. I saw her as a powerful woman, who can raise her 3 children, have a full time job and go to school at the same time and she didn’t even really complain that much. But enough was enough. I contacted my old employer in Finland, who rented me a room in the construction workers’ house, handed in another resignation letter at work and left. I started tasting the freedom once again. She even chased me to Finland (to another country) and showed up behind my window one night. She tried all kinds of desperate tactics to get me back. I took this picture of her on my casting couch, just in case, right before I sent her away..

During my time with X, I developed an understanding for myself of how women are ruled by their primal instincts. Well most women. Not this one. X was just fucking nuts. Probably had Borderline Personality Disorder. But I started noticing that primal instinct with all her friends and mine. One of those had a boyfriend and whenever this boyfriend started acting like a soft cunt, the girlfriend would end up getting banged by some pumped up dude somewhere. Another one kept switching boyfriends towards a richer one. Then there was this one girl, who was always using men for free shit (rides, food and so on). I probably know of hundreds of examples like these. One thing they all had in common, was, that they were always scouting for a better catch. They never stopped. I believe that this is just the tip of the ice berg and it’s something I hope to look into in my next entries.

Every woman I’ve ever had a relationship with, has always tried to push me down. Tried to subconsciously make me their servant. Every time I started working on my own personal agendas, I was aggressively put down by these women. They used guilt to control me. I cannot keep my real self locked down any longer. I have fought for my freedom and believe me when I say, that freedom tastes oh so sweet. The foundation is there and now it’s all about building that tall skyscraper. I care about my finances, my physique, my dick and my personal success. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and be proud of what I am. I am not there yet. But this is where it begins..

This blog was made mostly to record my own personal journey towards becoming that better man. This story is what’s pushing me forward now. Also I may not be the only one with good stories here. So, yeah. My name is IVAN and welcome to The Blog

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