I’ve always had this weird relationship with death. I’ve had so many near-death experiences, that it’s even hard to remember each and every one of them. The funny thing about all of them is, that I’m still very much alive. Sometimes it feels as if I have some sort of a protective shield around me. But then that begs the question of how long is that shield going to last? And why the fuck would someone or something even bother protecting me? Is it all just pure luck? Or is it something else?
We all have dreams. Dreams are these ideals that people strive towards. Or they can be just that – dreams. You’ll often find yourself thinking how and if things were different. And what you’d be doing if you won a million dollars. Why is it so hard to make dreams come true? Well. We are built to chase instant pleasures. Easy fixes. The hard truth is, that most people never achieve their dreams. You do your daily tasks, while thinking about a sunny beach in Hawaii. And before You know it, it’s time to go to bed and right back to work. You close Your eyes for a minute and boom – 10 years have passed and You’re not even a step closer to that beach. They’re called dreams, because they’re idealistic situations. Great safe zones to escape to in Your mind, while You’re getting ready for Your next boring pre-planned part of Your daily routine. Most of these dreams require You to get off Your ass and start putting in the work towards them. You can visualize that shit all day, but if You haven’t moved a muscle by the end of the day, that’s as close as You’re going to get to catching any of those dreams.
You know how they say, that opinions are like assholes, because everyone has them? Well I’m about to flash You mine big time. I realize, that I’m swimming against the tide with this post and most of the people don’t share my opinions, so this post needs to be taken with a grain of salt. If You end up offended, then that’s Your problem.
I’m sitting here on my ass, barely able to walk. So I’m going to take this time and be productive. To tell you the tale how I’m between numb and immeasurable amounts of pain. A story that started as something completely different and today, nine months later we have reached the apex. How I went from hating long distance running for 27 years to running a marathon with 3 months of training.
Men and women are built differently. Aside from all the obvious physical and psychological differences, I’ve come to find, that the biggest difference lies in the opportunities both are offered. When I was still a teenager, older people around me often pointed out, how girls mature faster than boys. “Oh look at the young flowers blossom”, as one of my high-school teachers always used to say. Every senior class about to graduate, heard that comment. Some girls secretly called him a pervert behind his back and most students felt awkward. But he was right. They were blossoming. They had grown up. They had reached the start of their fertile young adult lives. And that held true for every single one of them. This wasn’t the case with the boys. The boys were still blank sheets. Sure, some boys were bigger and stronger. Others were the school stars. But in reality, none of them were actual men. They were still boys. They hadn’t been out to the world. This is what separates men from women. Girls seem to blossom into fertile women in a very short timespan. That’s not the case with boys. Boys don’t really suddenly transform into men. Men are made. They are moulded by everything they see and touch. By every fucked up hardship, they go through. And by every single experience point, they gather in the field of life. While women are valued by their fertility, men are valued by their status. And a man can only acquire status by rolling the dice and taking risks.
It’s only fitting that this particular entry goes live on the 1st of May. On this day seven years ago we were given a second chance. To this day, it is by far the closest I’ve ever been to solving the mystery of “What happens after death?”
Do You believe in something? Or someone? Most people would start talking about their religion, when answering that question. Lots of people have always relied on religion to guide them through their hardships. And it’s fair enough. No one can blame them for looking for support in something higher than themselves. Probably makes them feel much better. I, myself, have never believed in anything closely religious in my life. All I’ve ever had, is faith in myself. That I can do this shit. Whatever life throws at me, I’ll deal with the consequences and move on. I can’t even tell exactly, how many times I’ve proven everyone (myself included) wrong and turned the tables, when everyone least expected it.
All men are essentially building their own little empires. Some men have lots of things going for them, others not so many. Sure You can be a pretty smart guy and have a well-toned body, but is that all You got? Men are materialistic and like to own things. There are some things that every respectable man should own – a reliable car, a pair of formal shoes, a good belt, a nice watch and a formal suit. But there is one more thing. And this one’s the hardest to acquire – his own place. And that’s not something You can pay for just by playing poker with friends…
When I started The Blog, I had something completely different in mind at first. I was full of anger, disappointment, hate, vengeance and every other negative feeling. I was in a pretty dark place. As I’ve been writing my stories, this whole project has, at the same time, been evolving into something completely different. Something more personal. We’ve been opening that shit pretty wide… I’m now at peace with myself and everything that happened. However. I started this blog to get the story of X out of my system. To overcome the effect X had over me. To become content with myself and help me change into a new man. Therefore I think it’s only fair, that I give the whole X story-arc the ending it deserves. And oh boy is she going out with a bang!
I have a dream that one day I’m going back to Australia and I’m going to live there legally and permanently. I’m going to get a nice house, a dog and just enjoy the weather if nothing else. I have set out a plan and I’m going to follow through until my dream becomes a reality. That is my mid/long term plan and I’m going to work on it. Sounds all nice and peachy, but life has a way of going the way it wants. I’ve had big dreams before and I’ve seen some of them succeed. A big portion of those dreams end up crashing and burning quicker than Tower 7.