Daddy no. 4

October 13, 2018 5:06 pm

When I started The Blog, I had something completely different in mind at first. I was full of anger, disappointment, hate, vengeance and every other negative feeling. I was in a pretty dark place. As I’ve been writing my stories, this whole project has, at the same time, been evolving into something completely different. Something more personal. We’ve been opening that shit pretty wide… I’m now at peace with myself and everything that happened. However. I started this blog to get the story of X out of my system. To overcome the effect X had over me. To become content with myself and help me change into a new man. Therefore I think it’s only fair, that I give the whole X story-arc the ending it deserves. And oh boy is she going out with a bang!

When I was travelling in Australia, I was the most outgoing and fun person to be around. Always ready to do some stupid shit. Or even serious shit. It didn’t matter. I was just always ready to go. From the moment I met X, everything changed. I changed. I let her mould me into this feeble little cuck. Deep down I always understood what she was doing to me, but I chose to just let it happen. My brain just kept turning the whole situation into this completely normal way of life. As if that’s how everything was supposed to go down. As if I had already experienced enough and was now supposed to raise a family with this crazy bitch. And as if it was somehow okay, that it wasn’t even my own family. Aren’t men supposed to be spreading their own seed far and wide, biologically speaking? For some reason the whole society around us actually instead encourages men to pick up some other males’ savegames and continue where they left off…

Deep down I always had that battle of primal urges going on. I felt like I was supposed to be drinking in bars with friends, meeting new people, cruising around in my car and if I was extremely luck, then maybe even having threesomes with random girls. Now that’s something to strive for. It’s just another one of those teenage dreams, that every man wants to fulfill. I just wanted to do whatever the fuck else and not be stuck in some fake family, that didn’t have anything to do with me. Whenever I talked to X about this, she always got angry. I tried to talk her into having threesomes with me, but she wouldn’t have it. She couldn’t allow her personal slave to keep thinking these thoughts. So she started a bunch of fights to get me off those ‘silly’ thoughts and focusing on her problems instead. Then she’d promise me that I’d get to have a child of my own with her. Thinking about it now, just makes me puke inside my mouth, but back then it seemed like the exact thing that could fix my entire situation. Fix my ‘silly’ thoughts and make me happy in that special hell of mine. By then I had gone so deep, that single people started to seem like the weird ones. My life had become all about family. Her family.

Funny thing is, that she could have kept me in her grasp forever, if she hadn’t become so bored with me. When we met, I was a high quality man in her eyes. Someone she was lucky to have as a fuck-buddy. She came over, when I told her to and thanked me afterwards. Over time my qualities started fading away as fast as I was catching feelings for her. And after 3 years I’d become an emotional punching bag for her. You see, that whole relationship dynamic shift is, what made me open my eyes and finally realize what kind of a hole I’ve dug myself into. I could finally see, to what extent I was being used by this woman. It became clear to me, that I wasn’t built to be some chick’s personal life coach. I was meant to chase my own goals. I was meant to make out with random girls. I was meant to travel the world and get shit done for myself. The wool had finally come off my eyes.

By now you can probably guess what’s been going on in my life ever since. I started working out. I started eating much more healthy. My stress levels went down to zero. I stopped having migraines. Fucked some random girls here and there. They were more like means to an end. One Finnish girl stood out. Met her in a night club. Took her out to some bar and fucked her later. Then drove her back to her boyfriend’s place in the middle of the night, just in time for him to tuck her in. All in all I was having my summer fun and it felt great. But for some reason I still had this lingering feeling of not having any closure with X. In hindsight I think the problem was, that the girls I fucked, were simply not up to the same level of quality, that I’d become used to with X. So one time during my summer holiday, when I was checking out some apartments in Estonia, I ran into X. Of course I caught some tingles. We ended up playing pool and later had hot sex at her place. Big mistake. She immediately started planting her hooks in me. Guess she still saw me as that tame little cuck. “Whatever”, I figured. “I’ll just have my fun with her”. I wish I had some angry Russian hit me in the nuts every time I start having these kinds of thoughts. Kick some sense into me from time to time…

I even invited her to check out some apartments with me (for me). It was pretty boring to attend these meetings alone, but this way I got to have some blowjobs along the way. I think we went out to a couple more parties and then I just started doing my own thing. I went to the Weekend Festival with GLive. We had a great evening. He had been wanting to see Post Malone forever and seemed happy to see his live performance.

Of course X found us there. Suddenly I was in between 2 fires. GLive kept telling me to leave her. He knew the whole story and what I’d gone through with her. And she kept saying how she’s all alone and we can’t leave her there like that. We ended up dropping her off to her car and then headed back to the capital ourselves. I ended up driving all the way back to the festival the next night. It was a 2-hour car drive, but there was nothing going on anywhere else and I wasn’t going to spend the last weekend of my summer holiday doing fuck all. Because I’d only bought a 1-day ticket, X and her girl friend pulled some tricks with the guards and smuggled me into the festival for free. I’ve gotta say, that the time I spent with her was a lot of fun, although it felt completely wrong. As if I was cheating on myself..

We went our separate ways after the festival. She still kept messaging me. And I kept messaging her. Our conversation mostly revolved around our relationship – she wanted one. Kept calling me a bastard for wanting to fuck other women and for wanting to be single. I tried to set up a couple more commitment-free dates with her, but she wouldn’t have it. So I just mainly focused on my personal agendas. I was going to the gym religiously and hustling with my whole apartment plan. A few weeks later I got an email from her. No text. Just the picture…

Boom! Everything was upside down. Bye-bye low stress levels. See ya later, healthy eating schedule. All I could think about now, was ‘How could I’ve been so careless’? She had a contraceptive coil installed for the duration of our whole relationship. She said she had it removed before the summer. That’s exactly what was missing from my already busy schedule. Women have done pregnancy scares on me before, but this one hit me right in the spot. Just perfect…

I had wanted a baby the whole time we were together. And now the tables had turned. I had learned so much about family and children during our whole relationship, that I knew what to expect and no longer feared it. I would have been an amazing father. A child, however, was the last thing on my mind at that moment. Especially with a woman who has more red flags, than the whole eastern continent. My life was just starting to come together, as planned. She knew that I was about to buy an apartment for myself. And she knew that once I get my apartment, she’d lose her opportunity to lock me down. The first thing I told her, was, that we’d be getting a paternal test ASAP. I knew she had at least 3 ‘fuck-me’ trips to Turkey in the last 6 months and she told me she had someone in Estonia as well. She was okay with the test. No hesitation about me not being the father. Fuck…

The following couple of weeks is a blur. The only thing I was thinking about, was that baby. That old anger was back. But this time instead of dwelling on it, I focused it all on gym. I made huge progress in a short amount of time. Lifting religiously seemed to be the only thing keeping me sane, as I was constantly juggling between having conversations with her about our future and dealing with my whole apartment thing.

I wasn’t angry at her. She couldn’t help it. She was just doing what all people do – looking out for themselves. I was angry at myself for being so careless. She presented me with an ultimatum. That she’ll be getting an abortion, if I went ahead with my apartment plan without her. Of course she did. That’s the right card for her to play. She garnished the whole thing with love. ‘You should be doing it all out of love’. She knew I didn’t want to lose my baby. But she didn’t know, that I wasn’t the same man, I was a year ago. A lot of time had passed. I was also actively consulting my friends, who told me, what I already knew. That I should only go forward with everything on my terms and shouldn’t give her anything she wanted, even if that meant an abortion. And so I never budged. I guess she was also consulting her best friends on the matter. All of her friends had been telling her to have an abortion, since I’m not a keeper in their eyes. God bless them. And so about 2 weeks after the initial news, one of her friends contacted me to let me know, that she was holding X’s hand in an abortion clinic. She said X was crying and it was done. I was having mixed feelings about it for a while after that. I felt sad and angry. And then I felt happy to have dodged a major bullet. Felt more like a nuke, that was destroyed mid-flight. And then I was sad about my baby again. I think logic won this battle. She was just looking for someone to lock down. She was expecting me to be an easy catch and become Daddy number 4. However it didn’t go as expected. She found herself a new guy about 2 weeks after the abortion. Ever since I found out about the new guy, I haven’t doubted any of my decisions. I’m sure the new guy had already been there for a while and I wish him all the best with the devil. It seems, that my personal changes are having noticeable effects. I’ve already become a new man. However that’s still just the beginning for me

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