April 1, 2019 11:58 pm by Leave your thoughts
April 1, 2019 11:58 pm by

Have a little Faith

Do You believe in something? Or someone? Most people would start talking about their religion, when answering that question. Lots of people have always relied on religion to guide them through their hardships. And it’s fair enough. No one can blame them for looking for support in something higher than themselves. Probably makes them feel much better. I, myself, have never believed in anything closely religious in my life. All I’ve ever had, is faith in myself. That I can do this shit. Whatever life throws at me, I’ll deal with the consequences and move on. I can’t even tell exactly, how many times I’ve proven everyone (myself included) wrong and turned the tables, when everyone least expected it. As You’ve found out by now, I’ve come through all kinds of crap to get to where I am now. The only person I could rely on, every single time, was me. My friends were there, sure, but they also had their own shit to deal with. In the end, every decision I’ve ever made, has been my own. This also means, that every time I’ve made a shitty decision, I could only blame myself. Being responsible for Your own decisions is a heavy burden. It can weigh You down over time. During those times I sometimes think how nice it would feel to be able to pass on all my responsibility to someone else. Get that heavy burden off my […]

November 6, 2018 4:38 pm by Leave your thoughts
November 6, 2018 4:38 pm by

Independent Trailer Park Trash

All men are essentially building their own little empires. Some men have lots of things going for them, others not so many. Sure You can be a pretty smart guy and have a well-toned body, but is that all You got? Men are materialistic and like to own things. There are some things that every respectable man should own – a reliable car, a pair of formal shoes, a good belt, a nice watch and a formal suit. But there is one more thing. And this one’s the hardest to acquire – his own place. And that’s not something You can pay for just by playing poker with friends… I’m 26 years old and I’ve never lived alone. After moving out from my parents’ place, my friend and I started renting an apartment in the ‘ghetto’ part of Tallinn. After one crazy year we moved on to Australia, where we got to live in different hostels. That isn’t exactly a luxurious lifestyle. Usually You get to fight for the top bunk while sharing the room with 5 other people. After GLive joined me on The Australian Quest, we started looking into rental housing. You could easily make it cost the same as a hostel bunk bed when You brought in other housemates to cut the costs down. The problem was, that we only stayed in a single city for 6 months tops. Being that mobile really forces You back into […]

October 13, 2018 5:06 pm by Leave your thoughts
October 13, 2018 5:06 pm by

Daddy no. 4

When I started The Blog, I had something completely different in mind at first. I was full of anger, disappointment, hate, vengeance and every other negative feeling. I was in a pretty dark place. As I’ve been writing my stories, this whole project has, at the same time, been evolving into something completely different. Something more personal. We’ve been opening that shit pretty wide… I’m now at peace with myself and everything that happened. However. I started this blog to get the story of X out of my system. To overcome the effect X had over me. To become content with myself and help me change into a new man. Therefore I think it’s only fair, that I give the whole X story-arc the ending it deserves. And oh boy is she going out with a bang! When I was travelling in Australia, I was the most outgoing and fun person to be around. Always ready to do some stupid shit. Or even serious shit. It didn’t matter. I was just always ready to go. From the moment I met X, everything changed. I changed. I let her mould me into this feeble little cuck. Deep down I always understood what she was doing to me, but I chose to just let it happen. My brain just kept turning the whole situation into this completely normal way of life. As if that’s how everything was supposed to go down. As […]

July 13, 2018 4:59 pm by Leave your thoughts
July 13, 2018 4:59 pm by

With Compliments from the Land Down Under

Do you have any idea how important Your passport is? Trust me, it’s pretty fucking important. I found that out first hand back in Australia. I had just become a brand new owner of a 1981 Toyota Celica or The White Sabre, as we called it. My very first car. Now that car was something special. An actual legend, which You’ll be hearing more about in the unforeseeable future. I had owned it for about a week or so. GLive and I had been driving it around Perth and even all the way down to Albany, while looking for work. While we didn’t really find any work down in Albany, we did come across some friendly German backpackers. So we spent a night playing poker and drinking wine by the ocean with them. After GLive cleaned everyone out in poker, we decided to head back to Perth to regroup. And rethink our next moves after our fun weekend down south. No city or place was too far for us now. For the first time in our travels, we had our own method of transportation. We had bought a brand new GPS-system, so we could even take on the endless deserts. We were probably sitting at some random Maccas, when we decided to start driving north. Seemed reasonable. Lots of different cities on the way – Geraldton, Carnarvon, Karratha. Ideal route to take as the winter was just around the corner […]

March 30, 2018 7:59 pm by Leave your thoughts
March 30, 2018 7:59 pm by

First Pleasure, Then Business

It’s been about 2 months since I left X. And I gotta tell you. Even though the beginning was pretty hard, it does feel really fucking good. The hard part was freeing my mind from the ‘relationship’ mentality. I’d been in relationships for years and always down-lo had this fear of being alone. In these past 2 months, I’ve had a complete mental overhaul. I’ve come to understand how much of a blessing being single actually is. Men don’t need relationships. Women do. Men just need someone willing to tie down and take ’em down-town. No more nagging, no more fighting. It’s been a mental vacation. I have become free. So what should I do with my freedom? Whatever the fuck I want to…

February 28, 2018 10:08 pm by Leave your thoughts
February 28, 2018 10:08 pm by

Search and Destroy

New beginnings are always the hardest. I’m sure this goes for anything – training, writing, studying, working and so on. It’s because You’re just not used to these new things, new rules and new motions. Over time You turn this your new thing into a routine by putting in more and more effort. Your body needs routines to function. Your routines are either good or bad for You. Up until my recent break-up with X, I’ve mostly had bad ones going for me. Drugs I’m highly addicted to nicotine. I’ve been smoking for almost 10 years now. And that’s not even the only substance problem I’ve got. Hell some people would actually say that I’ll do any drugs that I get my hands on. Harder party drugs are more distant acquaintances for me, while weed has been a close friend of mine for nearly a decade. There are some periods in my life, that weed has helped me manage. Also lots of times, when lighting a blunt has brought a crowd together and made everyone’s night. But it’s far from harmless. The problem with weed is that it clouds Your judgment. It makes You into a slob. And my future has no place for a lazy couch potato. No more weed. I really do love alcohol. I have no limits. I start with vodka and I normally end up mixing every alcohol together until either the party ends or I […]

February 24, 2018 8:50 pm by Leave your thoughts
February 24, 2018 8:50 pm by


I used to be afraid of everything. I spent most of my teenage years sheltered. I believe it had something to do with my parents doing everything for me and never letting me solve any of my problems myself. I was gaming and watching TV shows day and night and only went out to go to school. I avoided as much contact with other people as I possibly could. I was one of those kids, that walked around places with their headphones on and tried to disappear into the mass. Deep down, however, I always felt like I’m preparing myself for what’s coming next. That this is all just a big training program for me. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t. Who knows. That whole sheltered lifestyle lasted until I turned about 16. That’s when I randomly signed up for a working summer camp. And no, it’s not like a Nazi concentration camp. It’s a Sovietic relic of a tradition in Estonia where older kids, mostly aged 13-19, can sign up and then get together to work for a minimum wage for some random countryside employer and have lots and lots of team-building exercises after work. And for the majority of them, also their first parties. That’s where my very first change took place, as I finally broke out of my shell. I finally connected with kids my age. Of course that was also where I had my first smoking […]

January 19, 2018 10:00 pm by Leave your thoughts
January 19, 2018 10:00 pm by

Into the Chaos

Every man was once a young boy, still untainted by the world. Every boy eventually goes through changes that shape them into men. I believe that I’ve just done it for the third time… My very first one was a regular high-school jock story. We’ll get to that. Let’s talk about the second one. It happened about 7 years ago, when my flatmate suddenly came up with a plan to conquer Australia. I was a 19-year-old high school dropout from Estonia, who had just spent a year binge-watching TV-shows and playing video games while smoking weed 24/7. Up to this point, I considered myself living the dream. I had a young girlfriend, who seemed to really love me. I was also working at a mall for minimum wage while hosting online gaming servers for other kids on the side. For their lunch money. I had also been lying to my parents for a year about me still going to the school. I had dropped out in the beginning of the school year. Life was fucking great. Yet something kept bothering me. After having worked in that supermarket for 3 years, I had watched hundreds of people doing their ordinary jobs and living their ordinary lives throughout the past 3 years. I could see in their eyes, that these people used to have dreams. They used to have potential. But time stops for no one, and so in these 3 years, […]